From Silence to the Canvas: Finding My Voice

With every word I write about myself, I feel a slight tremor. For years, I lived behind walls of silence, with the quiet conviction that my voice held no weight for those around me. Most people I met loved to talk about themselves, and they found a good listener in me. The cup is filled to the brim; nothing more can fit. I need to pour something out.

I grew up in harsh northern conditions without a father, and my mother had no time for me. Her hands never caressed my face, her voice never whispered comforting words. Motherly love remained a distant dream. The long hours of my adolescence were filled with housework. I was often alone, where silence was my only companion. I learned to take care of myself, to be independent, to handle anything, and not to complain. I soon stopped believing the adults around me because I saw they weren't honest even with themselves. I locked the pain deep within me, where it couldn't be seen. Tears weren't allowed, so I preferred to stop expressing emotions outwardly altogether. I focused on studying and working.

"Microcosm" oil painting by artist Ljuba Ananina

Years passed where I lived for others, doing what had to be done, being obedient and good, accepting criticism, managing stress, suppressing my negative emotions, being silent unless someone asked me something. When the hand of my life's clock struck forty, something broke. I could no longer bear the weight of others' expectations. The desire for change was stronger than the fear of the unknown. Months followed, soaked in tears and filled with grey days without a single spark of hope.

Oil painting became my sanctuary. With every stroke of the brush, the grip of suppressed pain loosens, and unspoken emotions surge onto the canvas. When I paint women, my own femininity comes alive – the one hidden in the gentleness of touch, the sensitivity of perception, the fragility of being, the timidity of gaze, and the quiet modesty of the soul. Although I may seem unyielding on the outside, an unbreakable strength pulses within my delicate frame. And yes, even this strong woman longs for a warm and loving embrace.